A mother's pain

Title: A mother's pain

Written by: Luchetta (Cookee) Mauus

I love you! I love you with my soul 

Which is why when I see that distant glare in your eyes ,it causes my heart pain

Once full of life I see you slipping away

mentally into a silent death 

And there is nothing I can do!

It hurts to love you 

I keep seeing a funeral of the child I once had, now grown into a man. Drums playing, Weeping, and finally a Hurst. When I gave birth to you this is not how I rehearsed life in my head.

I am in between, I am in tug of war, hanging on to the person you were and the amazing person I know that you could become. 

Saving you it isn't up to me. I sometimes rewind and take trips in the back my mind of you being a baby and me holding you.

Looking into your eyes and stroking tiny hands and feet.  

You are the artwork of God ,  you are an extraordinary present to me. 

A gift if you will

Only presently this gift 

Somehow got tainted, by life and living

I beg with tears in my eyes to hold on to you, to life,  and I pray love will guide 

Life is a gift from God above to fall in love with yourself each and every day. 

I your a mother

Your doctor

Your lawyer

Your comforter

I wish I was a Healer 

I don't know any other way to be

I love you so much my child

That I'm losing me

Morning conversation with myself

You can never appreciate the beauty of sunny days if the sun never sets. This is where I am in conflict. 

I preserve myself by keeping in my memory, vividly the sunshine in the midst of my darkness. 

I have regrets that I need put to rest. I live every moment sober inhaling happiness anxiety and love. Contradicting 

I have laid down my life, my complete being, my self. I have sacrificed. YET ! I am not a Christ.  I DID IT , I admit for love. 

This lead to my demise. 

I missed out on living life. 

Life is short.

Short as Erie summers,  short as the peace in this Earth. 

Short as the words between enemies. 

I need to use this time wisely so I can make the journey back to me.

Tic toc does the party ever stop or is it the sound of time winding down,  running out on my clock? 

I want to float effortlessly on air without care or concern. I want to explore every possibility of what is living 

I want to see , taste and feel